Writing, writhing, rewriting
I must write. I need to start doing what I love most and be who I am, what God has placed in my heart and what I need to become - to be an encouragement to others as He has sent so many in my way all these years to be to cope and want to live another day. It has been almost five years since, I left the Philippines to live in this strange land; not by choice, but perhaps by circumstance and need. Many decisions we make are borne out of need. Others we make because it is the right thing to do. Yet what we decide altogether affects the way we live our lives, how others will live theirs and how our future will be. Yet what is the future but a series of days and events that unfold, never really reaching it, only progressing, but never quite "there yet"?
I used to think that when I grow up, I would be a doctor, heal the sick and be happy all the days of my life. Now that I've grown up, I realize it is not as easy as that at all. And my dream is now being pursued by my daughter. (As I pursued my father's dream of getting a PhD) I had to change mine in order to better take care of my children. After giving birth, everything changes and my own dreams and needs are insignificant to the needs of my children. Somewhere along the way, "I lost myself" and what I was. I think for a long time I was simply "alive" knowing that my children need me and I have to work and do my best to take care of them. As they grew up and each wanted to pursue their own dreams, my concept of self and what I am supposed to be somehow changed. I needed to be "somebody" and do "something significant and worthwhile". The problem with the pursuit of "excellence, honor and respect" is really quite an illusion in itself. It is simply a concept of a "better self", but from whose perspective, no one really knows. Awards and distinction and people's praise may give you a brief satisfaction of a job well done, but at the end of the day,all these things are really quite insignificant if you come to think of it. It is "a chasing after the wind"(Ecclesiastes) to no eternal significance. In my struggles for self concept and self worth, my good friend Elaine would usually be there to remind me of how God sees me, not how others view me or how I perceive myself. There were moments of madness and escape from reality, just to numb the pain. Loss and abandonment can have that effect on me. It seems that there is really no more reason to move another step forward...yet somehow, the light of God's love manages to reach me, just in time to pull me out of darkness into His marvelous light! After living in the dark for a long time, having light in your life can give you momentary 'blindness'. It seems that all things are new and you really do not know where to begin or what you want to do after.
My world has changed a lot since then. I am in a different plane of consciousness, where everything is more real, even though I am in fact inside a room, by myself. Communication is instantaneous and at my fingertips. Friendships are within a click of a button. Everything is faster and so much easier. But with such fast pace of technology, human interaction and "intimacy" is relegated to the cyber world. It is so much lonelier now. I used to think of the world as such a small place. It's just just the same - seeing the same people and doing the same things everyday. Now it's a little more complicated than that. I am not sure if it is better. After seeing so many "new things" it seems that self satisfaction becomes heightened and the need to "be there" and "do it" seems just as inviting. But still the basic question remains: "What of it?" Whether in plenty or in lack, the only thing that really matters are the things that truly last forever."What profits a man if he gains the whole world yet loses his soul?"