pagpasiplat

I often wonder why we have an insatiable quest for knowledge. At least most of the people I know working in the University make it a point to upgrade themselves and learn new things. I feel though, that the more I learn, the less I actually know. I mean, compared to the wide range of knowledge available in the field, what I actually know is miniscule in comparison to the many things that I still have yet to learn.

I am looking for possible options for pursuing a post doc. It's really not as simple as it seems. I thought my interests were quite diverse, but it so happens that looking for a possible host University abroad makes it quite complicated. They have such specialized fields that I feel my training is inadequate to pursue higher learning. Oh well, it was just the thought of travel and a new environment that I even consider going...

My apprehensions about going abroad for further studies were always linked to my kids. I had to give up most of my dreams in order to be there for them, at least as often as possible, especially during their growing up years. The kids are now young adults, but still, they would rather be near me. Money is of little consequence when the family is blessed with love, supervision and genuine interest in what they are doing.

I like the thought of bringing them with me in my travels, so I usually take them to long trips if I have the resources. Now that my daughter is pursuing her own dreams, I step back and fan the flames of her interest to hopefully help her achieve her goals in life. Many years ago, I had to give up my own dreams of working for an advertising firm and making interesting copy and producing ad campaigns and other materials,but I now realize that I can still do a bit of this in my chosen profession. I was hoping to apply in interactive digital media, but the dileneation with computer animation is so thin that I do not think I will be able to do justice to it.

So much for my late ambition in life. I have no regrets. We chose to do or not to do things for a greater purpose. I am still at a crossroad. When I finally found the courage to reach for my dreams, I realize I might now be alone in this journey. My companion may have chosen to take a different path somewhere along the way. I may have missed a turn and was unable to catch up with the vision. Or perhaps, there were other people along the way that may have distracted us both and we lost sight of what we were working so hard to achieve. The curve in the bend is not a dead end. It only looks that way.=)

I went on a date last Friday. I still call it a date, although technically, when a person goes out on a date with a friend, it's really nothing special. Besides, it's usually dutch treat. =)

What makes it important for me perhaps was my state of mind - I was hoping something would come out with my "date" with him this time, since he's here on my turf. We had dinner last year when I was still working in Manila. He was going to have dinner with another colleague but John was not there when we went to the office so we ended up having dinner together. He treated me to dinner, we talked about life in the University, since he also used to teach in UP, specifically in Los Baños.

During the Christmas party in the office, he was kind enough to give me a gift too (a gift check to Starbucks) so I can have coffee with a friend. We enjoy chatting. I talk a lot and he also likes to share. I am very comfortable with him and we do share the same passion for loving and serving God, which to me is more important than anything else in any relationship in this day and age.=)

This time, I treated him to lunch. Of course he wanted to pay, but I told him, let me. I think part of me simply wanted to make this all sound casual and nothing to be alarmed about, at least it makes me feel safe. We were talking about Iloilo in general and how I dread going home for vacations when I was studying since it meant staying here - when shops and malls are closed at 7 pm (that was back in the mid 1980s)... Well, he said that if I were in Quezon, where his family lives, that would have been pretty much the scenario. Not much places to go to, especially at night.

I took his photo, which is now my screen saver and he took our photo together and also stored it in his phone. He still wants to pursue his PhD, although he did say that he would love to work in UP again when the salary is much higher. I reminded him though that the pay was never an issue for him. He readily agreed and laughed, because he's still working in the company where I had to let go for now...

And now this. My brother just asked me if I wanted to be email pals with his 55 year old landlord who has two sons from his previous marriage. It's hilarious to think that perhaps some people see marriage as a commodity rather than a sacred vow of staying together for keeps. If I were twenty and carefree, the prospect of leaving this country for greener pastures would have been appealing, especially if I wanted permanence in a relationship. The thing is, I'm into middle age, have two loving children whose lives I would rather not disrupt if it were up to me. I'm happily single, and enjoy the freedom it has to offer. I have moments of weakness and need, but I manage to survive and stay sane.=)

I'm still a Juliet, waiting for my Romeo who never seems to see me where I'm supposed to be. Like the tragedy of Shakespeare, perhaps only death can truly bring us together. Although this time, it's simply death to selfish dreams and ambitions.=)

When we think of eternity, it's unending, and time in eternity is insignificant. When we compare this to the here and now, time becomes a commodity, something that we cannot afford to lose, something that we need to spend wisely lest we squander unnecesarily and realize that we have no time left...

A wise friend told me a long time ago that "time is the enemy of our dreams". At that time, I really was not interested much in pursuing my dreams, except perhaps that if it involved having him with me much longer, then I would gladly pursue the same dreams with him.

I enjoyed every moment of our closeness and for sometime, created a most wonderful dream of love, friendship and family. I loved to have married him, spent the rest of our family life together and perhaps have kids of our own...

At that time however, my conviction about marrying a mature "Christian" who would lead us closer to the Lord was not to be compromised. I have not waited just to disobey the Lord and be considered "unequally yoked with an unbeliever". I was too hard on myself and believe me, the very thought of having to displease the Lord was out of the question.

He gave me a gift on graduation day - a partner to his own. Prior to that, I was already told of some things he was considering, some indications of what he wanted and hoped and of course, he shared that what he wore had a partner, which he intended to give to someone special.

Day of Graduation came, he congratulated me and shook my hand - or so I thought that was his intention. In his hand was the gift... I couldn't say anything else but : "Thank you." Then he was no longer beside me.

I opened my hand, and though I knew what it was, it still made me gasp to see the icon. I was chosen to be his partner... What we shared was something special to him too. And later on he would say: "I thought it was you..."

I cried. For almost a week I was depressed and did not really know how to take everything that was happening. I have loved him, even then... but that was not enough. My love for God and pleasing the Lord has been greater than anything else. Even a man like him was no match to the Maker of Heaven and Earth. It was a losing battle, even at the onset.

I prayed, fasted and pleaded to the Lord. I asked God : "Lord, if it is him, then let him understand why I am giving back his gift."

And so we met again and I returned the gift, along with a love letter, explaining why I did what I did. A few minutes later, I see him with a friend, smiling. He said : "Ang ganda ng love letter mo."

Of course, we continued to be friends, communicated quite sporadically, although there were many times of indifference and silence.

It has been more almost 10 years of courtship. He's home, he saw me once, I showed up once in his school and never saw each other again after that. He's busy, I'm busy and the couple of times he was here, I was where I thought he would be. It has been almost hilarious that the times he wanted to see me, I was actually attempting to see him.

I still think time is in God's hands. His timing is always perfect and even our mistakes can be redeemed and transformed. My friend still refuses to answer my emails because there have been too many miscommunication and disappointments. I don't blame him for wanting to just sort things out in person.

If you ask me what I think the ending would be? I hope that he was right and I was wrong... that it had always been me all along...and that the "mature Christian" I had hoped to marry someday has always been there, within my reach...

My class ended later than usual. I ended the class almost 6:30 pm, an hour longer than expected. I was a substitute teacher for an English 11 class and the project proposal that they were supposed to submit had incomplete data. Naturally, I asked them for an explanation and wanted them to submit today since it was my last day of class.

I enjoyed "baby sitting" for three meetings. The students were bright and lively, very cooperative and interested in the subject. Unlike some of my students in Miagao, the students in the City Campus in Iloilo are truly a welcome treat from disinterested students in Miami.

I conducted an experiment with my two classes here in the city. One class I treated quite strictly, the other class I was very kind and accommodating. The result? Well, the class whom I treated with extra kindness and respect had better outputs and performed well in class. They were very cooperative and active in class and they treated me with special kindness as well.

I will miss my classes in the city. Though I never went beyond knowing their faces, I shall cherish the fond memories of having been part of their academic life, even briefly.

"We become responsible for what we have tamed"... one of my favorite lines in the book "The Little Prince". I am forever changed, for having spent a few hours molding the life of precious Iskolars ng Bayan - our hope for the nation...