pagpasiplat

Yesterday was the University Commencement Exercises. My former teacher in Broadcast Journalism in College was our guest speaker. She couldn't remember me clearly but it was good to know that we share the same passion for wanting to make a difference in this country. I am certain that in time, the efforts will amount to something in the end.

She shared to us the photo of the Last Supper with street children in the painting and not the usual apostles... it was touching. Indeed, only God can truly transform lives.

Natasha also graduated in April 23. I was in tears during the mass in the AM and the ceremony in the PM. I felt as if her accomplishment was mine as well. She graduated with High Honors and I was grateful for God's love that enabled us to move on in spite of the many struggles, which she and her brother did not feel too much (and I am grateful).

Endings are beginnings - a new Chapter in my daughter's life unfolds as she pursues her own education alone... She's stronger and more sane than I am. She knows she is loved and very secure in her place in the lives of people she loves as well. I can only pray that she be spared from the harsh realities of life and that God would keep her heart pure.

I take greater risks now. Pain is necessary for growth and even in the pursuit of our dreams, we lose something to gain something else... I have loved and lost... it is always better than never to have loved at all...

Thus, as another Chapter of our lives close, another wonderful memory unfolds. Hopefully this time it is for keeps...

Ma'am Bing and I talked about our children, fanning their dreams, and allowing them to be what they want to be. I'd love to have pursued my own dreams myself, but circumstances and wrong choices forced me to make other choices for the greater good of my two loving children - Natasha Andrea and Ulrick Anthony.

I have had to make a lot of sacrifices to be able to keep the family together. Their father wanted to separate them. One for me, one for him. I made sure I kept both children. I told him that he can go on with his life and I will make sure that the children were well taken care of and I will never bother him again. I filed their delayed registration of birth without their father's acknowledgment at the back. It was simpler that way. I can make decisions for them, without having to consult with the father.

Don't get me wrong. Their father was a good and loving man. Only that the responsibility was just too much for him to handle. I had no choice in the matter. The kids needed food and shelter and so much more. I had to juggle three jobs to make ends meet. After the initial violent encounter, I had to make a choice fast. To leave or accept that the children will be next...

It was hard, believe me, on my own I could not have left. He was all to me. I loved this man with all of me, more than myself, more than God. That's when the Lord Jesus found me. I had been a Christian since I was 10 years old. But I was too naive and gullible. Escaping from one situation to another is not a solution to life's problems. By God's grace, I was able to leave the relationship and make life a better place for my children...

Now, I face another turning point in my life. I would rather see them happy and successful than even dare to dream for myself. But who knows? The Lord is good. Perhaps this time, I can dream dreams and have the courage to give it birth?!

I requested some friends to pray for some other friends. Many are undergoing trials and testings these days. I have my share of struggles and I realize how affected I become with little irritants if I do not put God first in my life.

I just learned a valuable lesson in life lately. Some people say things they do not really mean when they are cornered. They lie, not because they want to deceive you, but because they are not prepared to tell you the truth yet. We react differently in difficult situations. Others have unusual coping mechanisms to get out of uncomfortable situations.

I am still confused and disoriented from my travel and emotional strain brought about by a recent break up, or rather, misunderstanding. There's no break up since there was no formal request for permanency in the relationship in the first place.

I like to think that these growing pains are necessary for me to get to know him better. Years apart have made me wary of his reaction or lack of it. I mostly base my assumptions on previous encounters which really do not amount to much anyway.

Like most relationships, no communication is probably better than miscommunication... this is no exception. Also, long distance love affairs are really bent on disaster. Relationships thrive on constant TLC, without which, new relationships emerge and alliances are forged, to the detriment of existing ones. But that's just the way it is, right? We allow other relationships to grow and let go of other ones that no longer give us satisfaction or worth.

I still hope for the best. Perhaps some more patience and several buckets of understanding and tears..

I was blocked off for a while. I did not understand the concept, prior to being unable to have access normally granted to people who want to keep a "comfortable distance." I'm very passionate about things. I cannot see myself not "reacting" to circumstance that truly affect me, my children, family or friends for that matter. Although I have never been accused of actually violating a person's personal space (because I also insist that others also respect my right to some sort of privacy no matter how fictitious it may be, given that my life is in fact "an open book"), it seems that I did trancend the boundary of comfortable distance.

I apologize for that. I thought myself invincible and strong in the area of relationships. The truth is, I'm as vulnerable as I could ever remember. Maybe the only difference is, people I give access to my life no longer abuse my ignorance or maybe even stupidity to some extent.

This does not explain what happened though. It seems petty, but most misunderstandings and heartaches are caused not by major foul ups in a relationship, but the inability to correct and make sense of circumstance before giving it a finality. To count the number of times that I have said goodbye in whatever langauge, may seem hilarious; but to the recepient, it has always been an unpleasant experience. I thought that age would somehow mean maturity in this area, but unfortunately, petty quarrels are the outcomes of shallowness.

I seek to do more than simply explain that it was my fault and I'm so sorry for what I did. I had hoped that I would also be told that I am forgiven and I am given another chance to redeem myself and try making this relationship work again.

The thing is, I do not know where I stand in this matter. I am simply at bay, waiting for walls to crumble and be allowed total entry in the domain where there will be no need for a "comfortable distance".

My cousin is dying. She's 51, was diagnosed of breast cancer February last year and underwent chemotherapy and laser treatment of the brain when tumors were found late last year. My cousins came home for the Holy Week so we can all spend time with her. Our disfunctional families were made bearable because we had each other. We became the "family" we long for.

Although I was the youngest, I easily learned to trust and depend on my cousins for emotional and oftentimes, financial support. They fed and clothed us during times of financial difficulties and my children and I were always welcome in their home.

I have cried many tears for my cousin. We all have cried that the kindest always are the ones taken earlier. Now that the MRI indicates that although the cancer cells that were treated were completely gone, new ones have multiplied in six different areas. It was a sad day. No one had the courage to talk. I told my cousin we would pray for her. So we prayed, asked for forgiveness and mercy from God. We claimed a miracle of healing, but we surrendered to the will of the Father.

Amidst this very trying time, we take comfort that she has found peace with the Lord and surrendered to His will upon her life. We are grateful to the Lord for that answered prayer. For years, we have been praying that the family will come to know Christ in an intimate way and know Jesus as their Savior. Now, she shares boldly to my other cousins about Christ. She takes comfort that she will not merely rot in the ground but will be with God in heaven.

The Lord alone be praised for all He has done and continue to do. There is not much pain. She's strong and we had many times of laughter together. We have loved to the fullest and have many more days together to celebrate life and the goodness and mercy of God. Just a few weeks ago she had her water baptism, as a public declaration that she is a follower of Jesus Christ.

All things work together for good. Only God can set us free from the law of sin and death. We are alive in Christ and we are more than conquerors through Christ who strengthens us.=)